13.3 Doubt = Danger = Derailment

October 2022

Going through my notes to update my blog 15 months after I last updated it, I found this extract in my journey. Reading it now, I can see why I started to doubt after writing this. Doubt and confusion, instead of trusting and living. So be warned, major off road experience ahead.

I have decided that I should keep this blog post in. I am a fallible human being. If you are going to share in my journey, then you best get used to seeing the whole journey; warts and all.

So I’ve been diagnosed with this condition for a while now. For quite some time, I have had a sense that God was going to use my journey for his glorious purposes. This is something that I declared from the very beginning, back on the 25th of October 2021. That day I rang my church and told one of the pastoral team about my diagnosis. For however long I was going to have this condition I wanted God to be in every moment of it and to use every part of it.

Well that was the plan anyway. As you know, sometimes I have doubted that God was asking me share my journey. The most dangerous thing about doubt; it causes us to stop walking the road, come to an abrupt stop and then forget all about where it was God told us to go.

Back in February 2022, I was listening to my pastor Pete Carter speaking in a podcast. He was talking about healing and the opportunities he had healing patients who requested prayer and then were subsequently healed. Pete has prayed for me on a number of occasions.

I began to wonder if my desire to see God glorified through my journey with this condition was actually a barrier to my healing. I guess I was reasoning that if I believe God is using my journey, and therefore my full healing is being delayed and therefore I was making the most of this situation by starting my blog, then it would follow that I would have this condition for a while. I would need this condition in order to have the blog.

Talk about backwards thinking. That’s how my mind goes off and gets me into knots.

So really I was questioning whether somewhere inside me I want to have this condition so God can be glorified through the journey of it, rather than wanting God to heal me now and be glorified through that.

Am I doing the blog for God or is becoming about documenting this journey, distracting me from contending for my full and complete healing.

Where is my focus? Am I focusing on this condition too much. How much is too much when I live in the reality that limits my lifestyle and the things I need to do to mitigate against the challenges.

I guess what I am saying is that I know I experienced some level of Gods healing power in November 2021 which lasted for nearly 2 weeks. For a number of days many symptoms had gone and I could function well and even wear high heels. But over time a lot of that has gone. There are a number of symptoms that have returned.