30 Destructive Distractions

25th November 2024

The Lord nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health.

Psalm 41:3 NLT

Its been exactly one year since my surgeon decided on surgery. I expected that decision because God told me it was time. What I had not anticipated was the long wait. The suggested three month wait has turned into a year for various reasons, some unknown.

In April, I decided to give up my job with Emerge Advocacy. The winter had been tough on the symptoms and I was really struggling with the cold. It seemed to go deep into the marrow of my bones. Thinking surgery was imminent, I reasoned that I would perhaps look into teaching or teaching assistant roles for September. I continued to have peace about having surgery because I trusted that God had led me to this point. I trusted that he would go ahead of me and prepare the way. I wanted every aspect of it to be used to his glory. My greatest challenge was taking every negative thought captive. It is a very fine balance between recognising the subtle changes in symptoms and not ruminating on them.

But summer rolled around, and concerned about the 3 months that had turned into 6 months, I phoned the hospital. I was reluctant to do this despite noticing that the symptoms were increasing. I was experiencing spasms in my neck when I lay down and they would course through the entire length of my body like a ripple. I felt God would schedule the surgery at his ordained time without me intervening. I didn’t want to be side tracked by what I considered to be negative distractions. But others seemed more concerned and advised me to phone.

I was not expecting the conversation which took place. The administrator informed me that all elective surgeries in every department were cancelled. Someone had hacked into the London based blood bank and it was no longer possible to identify the blood types of the packets of blood as they were all bar coded. There was only sufficient blood for emergencies. What sort of person holds patients to ransom like that? My surgery was not critical but what about cancer or heart patients? It was beyond belief. Apparently, I should have been in the next cohort to be scheduled. I don’t know how it was resolved but elective surgeries did not resume until three months later.

The summer was otherwise busy for my family. Geof was involved in what was to be a very successful outdoor production of The Sound of Music in the grounds of Eynsford Castle. His technical skills were greatly utilised and he was in his happy place. It also provided a much needed distraction from my health. Unique was involved with helping with the set build, until work behind the theatre bar proved to be a more tempting opportunity. Additionally, Unique was awaiting exam results and preparing for university. I kept out of the way and busied myself with acquiring everything needed for Unique’s imminent departure. I also spent the summer crocheting and doing various craft things which distracted me from working on my vlog videos. Once again that crisis of confidence and imposter syndrome reared its ugly head. Additionally, we were faced with another dilemma. Expecting surgery to be at the beginning of the year, we had provisionally booked a holiday to France over the new year period so Geof could go skiing. Without a date for surgery, there was every possibility that the two would collide.

In September, having deposited Unique at university, Geof and I flew to Dublin where Geof was working for a few days. I decided that now was the time to write my book, rather than continue with my vlogs. I have written nearly 40,000 words but I don’t like it.

A great deal of the book centres around negative aspects of my relationship with my mother and was not painting her in a good light. I felt there was nothing to gain by publishing that. The process though, was revelatory. I could see and begin to understand the choices my mother made when I was going to university. It was and still is a tremendous force of effort to not make the same choices she made. As I watch Unique navigate the first term at university with all its challenges, it is so hard to not parachute in and rescue like my own mother did.

Anyway, about the end of August, I had just parked up in front of our house. I extended my left arm to pick up my bag from the passenger seat when suddenly my left arm completely seized up and locked into a bent position. I could not release it at all. There was no nerve signal being transmitted. After at least ten minutes of trying to prise my arm open and praying, my arm released. That scared the life out of me and I was straight on the phone to the hospital again.

I spoke to the same administrator as before and she informed me that surgeries were resuming in September and they would prioritising the cancelled surgeries. She was unable to guarantee a date which would still allow sufficient recovery time for our trip to France but we had decided to cancel the trip in any case. When I told her that symptoms were progressing, she promised to get back to me.

So here we are, on the eve of my surgery which takes place tomorrow. With the help of my lovely and efficient cleaner, the house is ready to be ignored for a few weeks. There are batched cooked meals in the freezer and the Christmas shopping is done. My hospital bag is packed and ready. As I look back on this year, I can see that there have been a number of bumps in the road which have threatened to take my focus off Jesus and onto symptoms and challenges. Each time, God gently reminds me to play worship music and reset my mind. This is one of my favourites at the moment: Trust You Again by Rolling Hills Worship.

God gave me the word ‘restoration’ at the beginning of this year so I continue to trust that for its final month. See you on the other side.

Father God thank you for your faithfulness, goodness and healing. I give thanks for my surgeon, the surgical team and the hospital staff. Thank you for your protection over my family and for the support of our friends.

Amen