26 Jon Thumb Little Bum

9th December 2023

Psalm 118 New Living Translation

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!

    His faithful love endures forever.

2 Let all Israel repeat:

    “His faithful love endures forever.”

3 Let Aaron’s descendants, the priests, repeat:

    “His faithful love endures forever.”

4 Let all who fear the Lord repeat:

    “His faithful love endures forever.”

5 In my distress I prayed to the Lord,

    and the Lord answered me and set me free.

6 The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.

    What can mere people do to me?

7 Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me.

    I will look in triumph at those who hate me.

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in people.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

10 Though hostile nations surrounded me,

    I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

11 Yes, they surrounded and attacked me,

    but I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

12 They swarmed around me like bees;

    they blazed against me like a crackling fire.

    But I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

13 My enemies did their best to kill me,

    but the Lord rescued me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my song;

    he has given me victory.

15 Songs of joy and victory are sung in the camp of the godly.

    The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things!

16 The strong right arm of the Lord is raised in triumph.

    The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things!

17 I will not die; instead, I will live

    to tell what the Lord has done.

18 The Lord has punished me severely,

    but he did not let me die.

19 Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,

    and I will go in and thank the Lord.

20 These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,

    and the godly enter there.

21 I thank you for answering my prayer

    and giving me victory!

22 The stone that the builders rejected

    has now become the cornerstone.

23 This is the Lord’s doing,

    and it is wonderful to see.

24 This is the day the Lord has made.

    We will rejoice and be glad in it.

25 Please, Lord, please save us.

    Please, Lord, please give us success.

26 Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord.

    We bless you from the house of the Lord.

27 The Lord is God, shining upon us.

    Take the sacrifice and bind it with cords on the altar.

28 You are my God, and I will praise you!

    You are my God, and I will exalt you!

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!

    His faithful love endures forever.

Geof and Unique have gone off to do Christmas panto tech stuff today, so I am having a self care day, starting with time with God. I love to journal my thoughts, prayers and reflections. I find it helps me focus and reduces distractions and random thoughts. This morning I am asking God what my Restoration is going to look like. This past week has been bullet pointed by God’s unfathomable grace. Every scripture I come across, particularly in Psalms, speaks into this season.

God reminded me that he has been highlighting a few things this week. If you have been following my blogs, you can’t fail to have noticed how much I succumb to imposter syndrome. Eye roll emoji. I am not convinced of how effective I am in my role supporting young people with mental health conditions and I always berate myself severely when I think I have made mistakes. This one thorn in my side and goes hand in glove with another thorn; self sabotage. Anyway, I have very good sessions this week with my young people and I recognised there were significant breakthroughs. Then out of the blue this week, I received an email from a school, inviting me to apply for a teaching post they had. I took this to mean that teaching is not something that is closed to me in my future. Of course I can’t apply. The timing is wrong. But it is a promise of something in my future; the promise of Restoration.

This morning as I reflected with God about these things and other areas where I want to see his Restoration, God reminded me of a very significant time in my life. That whole season is a probably a book in itself. I will try to summarise it as succinctly as I can.

Way back in October 2000, I was experiencing one of the darkest and traumatic periods of my life. The scripture reference 1 Samuel 1 popped into my head. When I studied that chapter in the late hours of the night, I prayed the prayer that Hannah prayed. I was a single woman with no human way of escaping the life I was living at the time. I was 30 years old and so desperate to pour out all the love I had inside of me, into a child. That night I begged and pleaded with God to bring about the circumstances so that I could have my much longed for child, just like Hannah. I felt the presence of God listening to me with his open heart. Unconvinced I was making myself clear, I ramped it up a gear. “Even if I only get to hold my child once and then give him back to you like Hannah, I will do it!”

Absolute silence.

And the quiet, compassionate voice of God came back, “Really? Are you really willing to do that?”

I stopped dead in the tracks of my thoughts and replied, “Yes. I am willing to do that. Like Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son I will do it. Even if I don’t get him back. It would be worth it. And if I have more children, I will dedicate each one to you.” That day I knew with absolute certainty and peace, where this would lead me.

Fast forward to May 2004, I have been married to Geof for less than a year and I am 24 weeks pregnant with our son Jonathan Samuel. The ultrasound scan had shown hydrocephalous which was the build up of fluid on the brain and this was growing outside his skull. This was tough news for us both to take in. But I knew this was what God had spoken to me about nearly 4 years previously, which was why Jonathan’s middle name was Samuel. I emailed everyone I knew to pray on the 1st of June 2004 for healing for our son. In my head I imagined every possible outcome and scenario I could. But it was the one that I never thought of.

On Sunday 30th May 2004, Pentecost Sunday, after participating in my first service as a trainee Methodist Local preacher, and while watching an episode of Friends, my waters broke 24 weeks into my pregnancy.

Geof rushed me to our local hospital where I was put on bed rest in a delivery room. If I actually went into labour, the hospital would do their best but there were no guarantees for a baby born that early. In the meantime, they were looking for a more suitable neo natal intensive care unit or NICU, hopefully Medway, down the road.

That night as Geof dozed reluctantly in a hospital chair, I watched the hands of the clock approach midnight. I railed against God, screaming silently, “You’re not real, are you God to let this happen?”

In that exact moment I felt God’s presence start to withdraw from me and be replaced by thick black darkness invade, like an ink stain spreading on blotting paper. Immediately I shouted out, “I’m sorry, Lord. You are real. I know you are real. I am so sorry.” Immediately, I felt God’s presence return and the thick darkness left forever. And I knew what was coming and that God would be there and I had peace.

Tuesday 1st June 2004 was the day I had set aside for prayer. It was the day I was ambulanced up to New Cross Maternity Hospital in Wolverhampton with Geof following behind in the car. A lot happened in the following days but I will share only briefly here. On Friday 4th June 2004, I delivered our son Jonathan Samuel naturally. He weighed just 610 grammes or 1 pound 5 ½ ounces at 25 weeks gestation. He was so tiny, his head was the size of a small apple He whimpered very quietly and was immediately placed in an incubator. Over the following days, I stayed in the hospital, pumping breast milk and tending to his personal care while Geof travelled backwards and forwards from Kent, occasionally staying with me in my Parents’ room. I had yet to properly hold our son in my arms, except when I precariously lifting and balancing him on my hands while the nurse changed his bedding.

On Sunday the 13th June, I was preparing to have skin to skin contact with Jonathan when the Nurse noticed he had an infection. Geof was in Kent and I was asked to tell him to get back to Wolverhampton, as Jonathan’s health was deteriorating. During that time I had the image of 3 angels around his incubator. It was very bizarre. I was so convinced I knew where this was going, that I just accepted it. Perhaps it was peace or shock, I don’t know. In any case the following day, the helicopter ambulance arrived with a medical team who spent 3 hours preparing him for the flight. Geof and I approached it all very differently from each other. I was convinced Jonathan’s destiny was to be fast tracked to the Father. Geof believed, like Abraham, we would get our son back.

We drove directly to Great Ormond Street hospital as we could not travel in the helicopter. We stayed in hospital accommodation while the medical team tried everything they could to keep Jonathan alive. There was a moment of false hope. All of this frustrated me because I knew what God had told me. Our son would not live in this world. Why won’t everyone just leave him alone? I couldn’t understand why people, including Christians, thought a tortured life on earth was preferable to a life of peace and perfect healing at Jesus’ side. If I was prepared to let him go why couldn’t others? Did they think I was giving up?

Then at last on Sunday 20th June, Fathers’ Day that year, Jonathan took his last breaths while he rested on a pillow in my arms. My first and only opportunity to hold him in my arms properly. My one and only time.

Here I am today, that season brought to my mind. God gently reminding me that I can trust him when he tells me things in that still, quiet voice of his. I can be confident he is always there, going ahead and preparing the way, despite the prognosis, despite the outcome. Another piece of scaffolding on which to support this process; this journey. He told me then that my child would die and I had peace with that. I walked with that, I worked with that.

Now, God has told me to consider surgery and I have peace with that too.

Whatever that looks like, I choose to walk with him through it.