24 Striking a balance

30th November 2023

As I write this extract in late November, I am recognising one huge challenge that I am facing.

It is a very fine line between making wise, cautious, common sense adaptations to my lifestyle and tipping into fear of falling over, resulting in further deterioration. How far do I go forward without responding in fear. Do I stop climbing on my stool to get something from the kitchen cupboard? What happens when the roads and pavements get slippery with ice? Do I start using a stick again? Mentally, I am struggling to keep my thoughts in check and to take captive, every fear based thought. There are moments when I am thinking like I was two years ago; the time when the fear literally almost crippled me. Consciously choosing to rejoice, pray and give thanks has been a daily, even hourly challenge and I have to keep reminding myself to do it. This whole concept of negative thoughts going on in my head is something God has highlighted to me this past year.

I am beginning to I think I know why. Yet another scaffold being put into place.

This last week, it seems as though all the autumn leaves have chosen to fall all at once. Our front garden and path are littered with them. Geof has brushed them to the side but the wind blows them back and turned them mulchy in the wet. It has also turned cold very suddenly with overnight frost and freezing temperatures. It’s like a conspiracy to unnerve me.

I am now a week on from having seen the surgeon. I think about the prognosis a lot; and the prospect of invasive surgery. It has been a busy week for us as family and there hasn’t been a great deal of opportunity for me and Geof to think it over and I find words like loss of function, paralysis frequently popping into my head.

Last Sunday, Dave F was preaching and he was talking about how fear creeps up on us no matter how much we may know God’s truth. He spoke about how the enemy tries to make us scared because he himself is scared of his future. Dave said it’s like the enemy is trying to get us to wear his clothes but, instead, we can remember that his clothes will never fit us. They are not our size. As a visual thinker I found this very helpful. It helps me to visualise something that I can then speak out.

I refuse to partner with fear. Every time my thoughts stray, I try to remember and catch them and throw them out. I remember that these are not my clothes.

Right now I am genuinely not scared of surgery. I truly believe God has led me to this point and continues to hold both our hands through it. I am at peace with the idea of it. The day before yesterday, I awoke to my thoughts mulling over; wondering again how I keep myself safe between now and surgery without partnering with fear. I suddenly realised that it is actually possible to make wise and careful adaptations to my lifestyle without bringing fear into it. It’s ok to make sensible and safe choices because that is wisdom. We wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without shutting and locking the front door or driving without a seatbelt. That’s wisdom not fear. Make the decisions with confidence and not double mindedness. I have to keep remembering to take every fearful thought captive; they are not my clothes. It’s like a mantra to be repeated until it sinks in and becomes daily reality.

So I have bought a stool for the bath and a step to help me get in and out of it. Geof is going to fit more grab rails. I have two walking sticks in the car in case the pavements are slippery. I plant each footstep with confidence and not tentatively. I will use these supports when I need them, not out of fear but because I choose to be wise.

And yes, I have become more acutely aware of symptoms and conscious of everything I touch and my fine motor skills are impaired; more noticeably recently. I wonder if they have been there for a while or whether they have just started because I am thinking about symptoms and it’s my imagination. I’m being as honest as I can when I say I’m not really sure. I know I have been ignoring new symptoms and just pushing through. Perhaps I have become resistant to the 30mg of Amitriptyline. As I type I notice that, although I am using three fingers on my right hand, I am only using the index finger on my left hand. I have to consciously choose to use my ring and middle fingers of my left hand because they feel weird as I type. I also mistype a lot more than I used to. When I lie down in bed I have spasms in my neck and other parts of my body. When I wake up in the morning, my right arm is often numb and there are pins and needles in my right hand. The tip of the index finger in my left hand is ever so slightly but noticeably numb. This is a very new symptom. The toes of both feet are also numb but I notice these much less once I am up and walking about. Have you ever accidentally electrocuted yourself? I did that once. I was pulling the plug of the drill out of an extension cable when Geof was building our conservatory over 20 years ago. My finger touched the live plug pin while it was partially in the socket. It felt like my finger had been hit by a giant hammer and then it went completely numb and this lasted for a few days. Or have you ever had a plaster on your finger that was wrapped slightly too tightly. Only barely noticeable but enough to make me rub my index finger from time to time, especially when typing.

I know that God’s work is not finished yet and he’s not going to abandon me now. God has reversed many ‘irreversible’ symptoms so I continue to hope for more. My hope is that surgery will not be required because miraculously, I no longer have the symptoms. I look forward to that moment in the Healing Centre or a Sunday morning service when I am supernaturally set free from all those symptoms; when I can stop and realise something has changed.

I have finished the scarf, by the way, and Unique loves it.