21 The year in a nutshell

December 2023

Well I’m nearly caught up with my musings. I hope you have stuck with me so far. As 2023 began, I vowed again in vain to focus on my overall health with sensible eating habits and exercise. And both went by the wayside pretty quickly. My word to focus on this year was unconditional love, which I know is two words.

God has peeled back my understanding of unconditional love to expose and highlight where this is a challenge for me. It has been a revelation to discover what that means. I have realised that this is, in essence, loving others the way God does and seeing them the way he does. This means accepting them for who they are. Speaking as someone whose personal focus is to grow and transform; eventually eradicating all unhelpful behaviours, attitudes and beliefs over time, it can be hard to understand why some people are resistant to this.

February saw a first family ski trip in two years. We, along with D&J went to France. Of course my skiing days are over, which was no great shame; I never much cared for it or had an aptitude for it, unlike Geof and Unique. My crochet and kindle app came with me, and the apartment had a supply of jigsaws, so I was sorted for indoor life. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very bad year for skiing, as there was hardly any skiable snow.

As the year progressed, I continued with my crochet and quilting but I was starting to notice that my hands were seizing up frequently. The more I used my left hand, the less I could do.

May was an interesting month and began with our visit to Liverpool to soak up the Eurovision atmosphere. For those who have successfully dodged the Eurovision bullet, all you need to know is that it has a massive cult following, of which the entire family are part. We enjoyed an entire week of Eurovision themed activities and parties hosted by the beautiful and regenerated city of Liverpool. We also had tickets for the semi finals and rehearsals and visited the city's famous sights. Unique had time out from college as we considered it practically a field trip for a music student and justifiable if written up in the coursework.

Each day was filled with walking; upwards of the obligatory 10,000 daily steps. This was pushing me way beyond the maximum of 3,000 daily steps I had been doing during the previous year. By day 5 I was beginning to struggle, needing more rest breaks and when we returned home, it took me two weeks to recover. My nervous system felt as though it was exposed to the elements and experiencing the effects of my activity directly on to the nerves.

May also saw the end of my ESSL journey which collided with my self realisation that I had some significant self loathing issues which I sense is connected to self worth and struggles maintaining a healthy weight and the lack of confidence that I had to continue with my blog. This was an unexpected discovery and God showed me that I struggled to love myself, despite the encouragement and value given to me by my ESSL family. I simply struggled to believe it.

I wondered what God had in store for me next as I sensed that I was on the edge of something. The more I pushed him to speak to me about this and how I should use my time. All I kept hearing in response was “Don’t start anything new”. This was a challenge in itself because, as an ideas person, I had been conjuring up all manner of possible options. I put these to one side but wondered why this was being asked of me.

One of my passions has been to see the entire education system in this country reformed. I believe, that in its current form, it actually serves no one, least of all our children. In no other area of life, are humans so rigidly controlled by people who have very little understanding of child development. Nothing about our education system in its current incarnation works with a growing child’s mental, emotional or cognitive development. The unrelenting pressure that is put on all school staff is unacceptable too. I want to see transformation for a more effective and positive education system and this starts with worship and prayer. I set about to organise an evening of worship and prayer at church.

The summer months saw me continue with my crafting indoors, as I was struggling with the heat. Unique turned 18 and was initiated into adulting with the necessary party. I was astounded by the level of wisdom and maturity Unique now had and I no longer felt anxious about the future. Our ceiling was indeed Unique's floor in many areas, not least in musical ability.

I was rubbing my left hand more as it was seizing up and rigid more frequently. The neuropathic symptoms were increasing and some functions were limited. Cooking was more challenging. I had conversations with God about it and wondered if I had stopped giving thanks for my healing or taken it for granted. Had I forgotten what God had done for me because it had now become part of my daily life. I talked to God about whether I should ask my GP about increasing the Amitriptyline. I also asked God about surgery and if it was time for me to consider this option. I sensed his silent approval and I had complete peace about having surgery. My original concerns were mainly about being out of action for several weeks at a time when Unique’s needs were significant.

In early August my GP increased my dosage to 35mg. I vary the dose a little, as 35mg makes it necessary to be in bed by 10pm as it is almost impossible to wake up in the mornings. I also had a telephone consultation coming up with the surgeon at King’s hospital. During this call, the doctor discussed surgical option of removing the damaged discs and holding the vertebrae in place with a plate. I had researched this in the past, so I was already clear about what was being suggested and I felt the complete peace of God about this surgery. The doctor suggested it was wise for me to have an up to date MRI scan and I waited for my appointment for this at King’s. I also paid a visit to the Healing Centre at Eastgate for prayer. I talked to a lady who had a very similar condition. For several weeks afterwards I felt no aching in my legs and they stopped feeling solid like tree trunks and no longer required the daily massaging that they had been getting. However, I had started to experience spasms in my neck and in my body.

As summer progressed we prepared for two exciting events bookending my MRI scan. The first was the long awaited wedding of our dear friend JB who lived in California and a faithful friend of Jesus. This was a beautiful event set amongst the beautiful hills of Santa Barbara. What a beautiful occasion it was to see two fired up followers of Jesus commit their lives to each other. Back in England my friend F accompanied me to King’s for my MRI. As I entered the machine, I suddenly felt claustrophobic and panicked. I asked the technician if I could listen to worship music. The song that played as I entered the machine was one that I had not heard before or since. The first line was “Do not fear”. I could have laughed out loud if I had not been told to keep completely still. I reckon I am one of the few people who smiled the whole time.

October saw the culmination of months of rehearsals as we all participated in a Fleetwood Mac tribute show. Geof was singing and playing keyboards and bass. Unique was not only singing a solo but also sound engineering and I was also singing solos for the very first time live on stage. This was a great personal achievement for me and I looked forward to to more opportunities in the future.