05 The movers, the shakers and the fear makers

Over the next few weeks through June and July 2021 I noticed that symptoms became worse since the mobile phone incident. Three of the fingers on my left hand were numb all the time. I could move them but sensory function was impaired greatly. I could no longer feel or touch things properly and I was very clumsy with my left hand. Touching any surface felt as though I was pressing against a thin barrier of jelly.

Since the beginning of 2021, I had been helping out with the filming of the weekly online services. This involved tilting my head back to operate the static video camera. We had a busy and active spring reorganising the house and loft and moving furniture around. At one point I may have balanced a table top on my left shoulder as I adjusted the height of the legs. Actually, there was no 'may have' about it. I definitely propped up a table with my left shoulder because I was ungracious and impatient to wait for Geof to help me. In hindsight, not the wisest of my decisions. No blessing can come of anything devoid of love.

This was all followed by 2 much needed professional massages which really worked out some of the aches and pains I was feeling in my left shoulder and other places. Our June calendar included a trip to Alton Towers for our teenager’s birthday, when I went on my favourite rollercoaster. July saw a full busy day in London and I also launched my new tutoring business. This involved more furniture arranging, carrying and lifting, as I arranged my teaching base.

Whenever I lifted something or twisted I would feel a surge like electrical voltage rip through my arms and into my torso. This happened frequently whenever I bent down, leaned forward to stand up or tip my head backwards, as well as when I coughed, sneezed or laughed. I was also unable to lie on my front or sleep on my stomach or prop myself up onto my arms. Usually, if I rolled onto my stomach in the night, the electrical surges would be worse during the following day. I literally felt like the poor fellow in the children's game 'Operation'. I found that I was now unable to do any form of exercise which involved bending or putting weight on my arms. I was also finding that operating the video camera on Sundays more and more uncomfortable because I had to tilt my head back to look at the video screen, as I am not tall enough to look directly at the screen.

The worst part was being unable to dance in worship. I love dancing full stop. But dancing as an expression of my worship to God was something very special and intrinsic to my worship experience. I was often with my flags, ribbons or scarves during Sunday worship, as well as at home in the living room.

To complicate things at the beginning of August, just before our holiday to the Peak District, I developed a urine infection and had a reaction to the antibiotics which was not immediately identified. A pre existing medical condition of silent migraines suddenly increased, probably due to the perimenopause stage I was going through, and I was experiencing almost daily attacks of dizziness and vertigo. I felt like my body was under physical attack on many fronts. Throughout the holiday I felt very unsteady on my feet, dizzy with frequent spells of vertigo every day, as well as the electrical surges. I also experienced brain fog and impaired mental cognition. A couple of weeks later during our holiday to Croatia, I found the travelling unusually exhausting and my symptoms gradually worsening. I also lost my balance on one occasion and fell into the shrubbery, needing to be assisted to my feet by a passing holiday maker.

I noted that these strange mixture of symptoms had ramped up significantly after I had begun to make my declarations. Although my foolhardiness was contributory factor.

As symptoms became progressively worse, fear loomed its ugly head. What was wrong with me? What were these bizarre symptoms? I tried to play things down for the sake of my family but confided in a friend that in lieu of any medical explanation I had eventually resorted to Dr Google. The most likely conditions, it seemed to me were fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis or some other attack on my auto immune system, which, with Covid running rampant, could have repercussions. Quietly to myself, though I was worried it was a tumour.

Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

In my fear and panic I just about held onto God. I tried not to let my prayers become the begging and pleading type. After all, if Year 1 of ESSL had taught me anything it was that faith was an expression of my trust in God. I held on fast to the truth that whatever was going on in my body, God would work everything out for good…somehow…even though I didn’t always feel it.

During a zoom session at the Healing Centre back in the spring, when I thought this was just carpel tunnel, I had said that I did not want to have an operation. As soon as I said this out loud to the praying volunteers, I felt God say ‘OK’. At this stage, I had found that if I raised my hand in the air, as if in worship, the symptoms in my fingers would reduce. It was suggested that I read Exodus 17 when the Israelites were fighting the Amelakites.

Exodus 17:10-13 NIV

This gave me much encouragement to keep lifting my arm in worship, even if I couldn’t dance. Worship is what God asks of us and I was also learning to trust Him, even when I couldn’t see. Right, from the outset, I was trusting in God that I would not require any kind of operation. In the past I had not come out from the anaesthetic easily and I was very much concerned about the impact of long recuperation and being out of action would have on my family. Having a teenager with additional needs, I wanted to avoid any extra and unnecessary stress, particularly with starting college in the autumn.